Tag Archives: Joke

Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year to everyone!

All Best Messages has a great one to kick off the new year.

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the  clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Joke Of The Day September 22, 2013

Michael Pritchard at Joke of the Day has an interesting take on funerals.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

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Silkworm Race

Who knew silkworms could race?


“two silkworms had a race… It was a tie.”
Image courtesy of http://imgur.com/4VugN.

Phil’s Scrotum Presentation To The Congregation

Ha!  Ouch!  Also at Fellowship of the Minds.

Phil’s scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

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Joke Of The Day May 2, 2013

My Word!  Joke of the Day.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:

Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have. You have character lines.

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Coincidence At The Pub

Email in circulation.

It’s a small world if you are from Irleand.  Also at Some Random Crap.

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

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Joke Of The Day February 1, 2013

The art of strong arming conversation in marriage.

Bob: “So, you say that you won the conversion with your wife yesterday.”
Joe: “Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees.”
Bob: “Really? What did she say?”
Joe: “Come out from under the bed, you coward.
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